Carroll Bryant - Reflection

When I look back at how all of this crap got started with the bullies, it would be easy to put the blame completely on Jude's shoulder. However, that wouldn't be fair. Yes, she will probably place all of the blame on me, as will her bully friends, but that's because she nor they ever take responsibility for their actions.

When you get down under the muck and the mud, the grit and the grime, and all of the dirt and lies, the bottom line is this: This whole war is simply her versus me. She was the one who recruited her friends to get involved. She was the one who posted an email claiming that I wrote it to her. (At least one, maybe more) This is what led to me and Archer having it out the day I was attacked where he said for me to "go kill myself". I took it as him telling it to me and he claimed it was what I wrote to Jude.

Anyone who was there during that attack knows this.

Jude and I know why she did that. We both know why she posted that email. (Or a email. I never saw it so I still can't say definitively that I even wrote it.) She did it to get back at me for posting our email exchange when I unblocked her and asked her why she snuck onto my shared blog, manipulating my friend to get to me. Her defense was, and always will be, because she was doing business. But if that's all it really was, then why did she ask my friend not to mention any of it to me? Maybe because she knew that I knew how she and her friends do "business". They make promises then back out. Then again, maybe it wasn't about business. Maybe it was personal. Personal towards me. To strike back.

Imagine if you will, going to your blog to work on a post then afterwards, going to your shared blog with your friend to see what she is up to and seeing your ex's name on the page as an administrator. A name that you would want to be the last name you'd ever want to see on your shared blog. This coming on the heels of two or three months of peace and quiet after you blocked her. You would not be so happy about it.

I am also aware that if I had done something like that to Jude, her bully friends would be all over me about it, crying about how "stalkerish" it was and how sneaky and underhanded. They would rip me a new one. And instead of them whining about the model pic all the time, that would be what they would be crying about. They know it, I know it, Jude knows it, and so does everyone else reading this. 

But why the email? To get back at me for posting her and my email exchange about our conversation regarding why she manipulated my friend and stalked me on my shared blog? Okay, fair is fair I guess. But I always find myself asking, "Why did she do it in the first place?" I mean, what point was she trying to make? What message was she trying to send?

I know the answer to that. Jude knows the answer to that. Her bully friends know the answer to that and again, so does everyone reading this know. (That there's a consequence for blocking her from emailing me?)

I know why she recruited her friends: As fate would have it, Jude is a bully. Why else would she go to them in the first place to fight her battles? 

Then I have to go back even further. Why did I block her from emailing me? I mean, let's face it, we all know there is no merit to the bullies claim that I acted inappropriately when Jude and I were friends while she was 17. Even Jude knows this, but why she allows her friends to lie like that is beyond me. And we all know that if I had acted inappropriately with Jude at anytime, much less when she was a few months shy of her 18th birthday, the bullies would be posting that evidence all over the internet. 

But they aren't posting it. Why? because it doesn't exist. It never happened. 

I blocked Jude from emailing me because I grew tired and weary of her odd behavior. I grew tired of her constant "suicide" threats whenever she really wanted to get her way. In essence, as much as I cared about her, I had to block her because I grew tired of her. But why did she always play the suicide card when we would butt heads? 

Anyhow, she and I exchanged thousands of emails, messages - you name it! Everyone knows there comes a point and time when two people are going to argue and fight over something. It's inevitable. 

The truth is, when she and I met, it wasn't under false pretenses. I hadn't posted that model pic up yet. It was still in my pictures section while I used it to showcase my role-play character. My profile pic at the time I first met Jude was my book cover for "Children Of The Flower Power". I didn't post that pic up on my GR profile until about week or two after she and I first met. And again, I posted it as a joke. I have already owned it and explained it. The joke went too far, yes, I agree with that. It was one of those things that when you look back at it, you know it was a stupid thing to do. But I didn't do it to purposely mislead anyone. I did it as a joke. I have long since apologized for it but that apology is no good to Jude's bully friends, who have already stated in the "GenX Says" series (Part two and Three that is scheduled for June release) that they are defending their friend. 

I did tell Jude my real name at the time and she in turn, told me hers. And despite the lies from the bullies, nothing inappropriate took place between Jude and I while she was 17. Only about a week after she turned 18 did the relationship escalate into something more. However, I am not going to go into all of the details about that because that is something private between two consenting adults. And Jude knew by then that the model pic wasn't me. She can deny it all she wants to, but she knows the truth.

But why would the bullies lie and claim that I was using that pic to lure minors? Why would Jude allow them to lie about it? To get even with me? To try and ruin me? What purpose would that serve? 

When you get right down to the nitty gritty, this isn't about me and the bullies. This isn't about reviews or blog posts or anything remotely like that. It's about Jude and me, period! End of story. It's about two people who cared about each other way too much for it to be good for too long. Sometimes, it just works out that way. Two passionate people hold on too tight sometimes that it slips right from their hands. They say and do things out of the heat of that passion that they really don't mean. This is when things get ugly.

I know I am just as responsible for this war, and no more or less than Jude is. But what made her friends decide to fight her battle for her? I never asked any of my friends to get involved, so why did she ask hers? And none of my friends would have gotten involved so ... why did hers get involved? 

Think about that.

I could deal with the fact that some of her friends would get involved, and go after me for the truth, which is, why did I post our email exchange after she stalked me on my shared blog? The truth is, I was angry about it. But why don't they acknowledge that it was wrong of her to do in the first place? Sure, I didn't have to post that email exchange on my blog, and for that, I own it. But instead of her trying to reach out to me and work something out like two adults, she instead retaliated by showing an email and recruiting her friends to attack me. 

Of course, this also leads me to wonder why she just couldn't have kept her word and gave me the review and interview she promised me in the first place. We were still friends for months after the promise was broken. And why did she get her friends to back out of their word? 

I attempted to get the answer for the longest time. She would never talk about it. Neither would her friends. But I'm sorry, from where I come from and how I was raised, you don't go to people asking for something for free and promising them something in return then don't deliver on it. I could have understood Jude not wanting to - to a degree, but her friends? It's not about being a professional, it's about being a decent human being.  

In the end, this whole situation, this war, if you will, is all about Jude and I taking shots at each other. I with my own identity and her doing it through her friends and anonymously. Her friends doing it mostly anonymously as well. 

It was after all, her friend Amanda Welling (GenX) that reached out to me first by writing about me, someone she doesn't know. And commenting on my blog when it wasn't necessary, and then emailing me first as I showed in a previous post here on "The Looking Glass". But why, after in early December of 2012, when I stated in a post on my other blog that I was stopping, did Amanda come after me? Again, it was suppose to be over. But Jude didn't want it to be over I guess. Maybe that's why Jude got her friend to attack me. To start everything back up again.

And these bully friends of Jude's would stop if Jude asked them to. If Jude went to them and said, "Enough, take everything down and let's see if Carroll does the same." Then they would. They would do it because Jude is their friend. And likewise, if they did, I would. But they would have to take EVERYTHING down. But the truth is, they don't want to do that because it would seem to them as a form of defeat and the truth is, there is no winning or defeat in this situation. We all lose. There is just a desire for peace ... or not. In this case, it is not. They do not desire peace. 

So yes, I admit, this entire war is between Jude and I and everyone knows that she and I are both to blame on an equal basis. So then, you may ask, why don't I make the first move? Because I am as stubborn as Jude is. That's why. This is also why I know that this war will go on until everyone involved on both sides die off like the dinosaurs. However, and this is the saddest part of all, everything posted will remain for future generations to read.  (And hopefully learn from.)

In the end, many lives will be destroyed. Jude's, mine, the bullies. All of us. We will all ruin ourselves and over what? A broken relationship? Over a love affair gone South? Seems trivial now, doesn't it? And all the lies they say about me would have been for what? I mean, if you're going to do battle, why not do it honestly? Do it fair? Why must they spread lies and rumors? Why did they even attempt to sabotage my interview with a rock band? It has nothing to do with reviews or me and Jude or the situation. 

Questions that can't even answer themselves.

Still, when you break it all down to its basic essentials, this is nothing more than fighting fire with fire. I know this. Yet still I stand and fight in my defense. Jude stands anonymously behind her anonymous friends and fights for her defense. Right or wrong, we all stand and fight, throwing hate all around like it's going out of style. Fighting fire with fire, but when will the fire be put out? Or are we dealing with an eternal fire from the pits of hell and damnation? 

When will enough be enough?

I'm Carroll Bryant .... and this is the Looking Glass.

Things We Learned Today:

* There's nothing to lose that isn't already lost

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I don't hate you Jude. Try as you might, I won't hate you. And there is nothing in this world that will ever make me hate you. 

There once was a time, and you know what I am talking about, when we would have taken our own life as to ever hurt the other.

We swam in the ocean of desire - Just because we are now standing on the shore, knowing that we will never take that swim again, doesn't mean we have to piss in that ocean.