The Last Note

So I go to my hotmail and sign in, and I see this interesting email with the subject listed as "Carroll: Read This!"

I open it up and it's screen shots of a poem. The poem was also written in full. The message that accompanied it read: "I think Jude wrote this for you."

I read the poem and wasn't sure that she did write it for me although, it rang of a familiar tune. Then I get close to the end and realize, yeah, it was for me. But something wasn't adding up.

The poem is called "The Last Note" and once I realized that indeed it was written for me, I read it again. This time, it all made perfect sense.

Jude was responding to a poem that I wrote her. Well, a poem that she thought I wrote for her. The reason why I knew she wrote this poem for me is because she mentions that poem I wrote, in her poem.

After reading it a second time, I started to dissect it. You know, breaking it down. It didn't take long to see a contradiction in it and what she herself has mentioned in comments past. I thought I would address it here today. Here is a screenshot of the poem. It's not the entire poem, just the beginning of it.

I took a special interest in the picture she provided which reads: "I hope you find someone who makes you miserable." - I can only wonder if she is saying that to me also. If so, then I am confused. I bent over backwards for her time and time again.

The poem starts out with her saying that this is the last poem, the last note for me. Then clearly states that it is not an apology. (But after breaking it down, it is something of an explanation)

She says that I accused her of wanting nothing. She then says, "Didn't I tell you I don't know what I want?" - To which I say, no, Jude, I do not recall you ever saying that to me. Perhaps you got me confused with somebody else? (We'll get to that later)

She then says that I ignored her remarks and that I wanted her so bad that I focused on my need and forgot all about her. (And I guess, her needs)

Funny Jude, but as I recall it, everything revolved around YOU!

Then she goes on to say this:

She says that when I accused her of wanting nothing, that it wasn't true. She wanted everything, just not with me. (So then, you lied to me when you told me you wanted it to be with me, correct?) Okay, good to know. 

She goes on to say that she is glad she never trusted me, and that she has no tears wasted on me. No heart to mend. No story to tell. (Don't you mean, no story you want to tell?) 

The next part is where I realize what poem she is referencing when she says that she may be "The Collector" (Which is the name of the poem that she thinks I wrote for her.) But that I am just a line in this note. (The last one for me.) With no more paper to be wasted and no more thoughts about me in her. 

Well Jude, I hate to burst your bubble dear, but the poem I wrote, "The Collector", isn't about you I'm afraid. You see, I wrote that poem for nobody really. It was inspired by a girl I knew in a writer's club that I once was a member of back in the year 2002. She and I gathered at my place one Friday night after a meeting where we drank some wine while sitting on my living-room floor reading each others poetry. She had written a poem where she stated in it that she was a collector of pain and blah, blah, blah (I can't recall the entire poem this many years later) and that line kind of stuck with me for a few days afterwards to which I was inspired to write "The Collector".

However, after going back to that poem and reading it again, I can see how you made that mistake. Those words I wrote years before I ever met you does strike an eerie chord, doesn't it? (Perhaps it was a premonition of meeting you?) 

Anyhow, now that I know you wrote "The Last Note" for me, I want to take a look at some more of the lines in it. 

In this next shot of the poem, I started to get the full impact of our relationship. Take a look.

She asks if I remember when she said she loved me - to which I will respond now in saying, yes, I do remember that. She then goes on to ask if she ever mentioned what she felt. To that I say, yes, you did mention on several occasions what you felt. 

She says also: "That doubt in the back of my mind." - We all have doubts about things, Jude. I had doubts too. Do you recall my doubts? (Probably not)

The she mentions the way those doubts came so forced. I had no idea she forced those doubts. None the less, she goes on to say: "The pressure inside of me." 

We all have pressures too, my dear, but I digress. 

But her meaning comes into full view after that when she elaborates that she felt pressure from me as I pushed her to say the words. (But what words? The words, "I love you?") 

Really? I pressured you to say that to me? I sure would like to know how I did that. I never pressure anybody to say anything. People either say what they say of their own accord or they don't. However, it would appear that she isn't even taking responsibility for what she says, and worse yet, like with everything else, blaming it all on me. 

Again, nice to finally know.

She sums up that part with this: "That pressure, it was you. You and your want to "hear" it. You and that need to keep me."

It's not that I had a want to hear it, Jude, nor did I ever expect you to say it or anything you ever said, but you volunteered it. But if it makes you feel better to blame me as to "pressuring" you to say it, that's fine. Blame me for everything. You have thus far and apparently, you still do. But know this, that one day, you will have to take responsibility for your own words and actions. (That time is coming in this post, so stay tuned.)

She goes on to ask me, "Didn't you ever think I was too young? That this was all kinds of wrong?" - Well, right back at you darling, didn't you ever think I was too old? That it was all kinds of wrong?"

I hate to break this to you Jude, but we are both responsible for what happened.

Then she asks: "Weren't you old enough to see I wasn't one to be played with? To be toyed around, you're own personal doll?"

News flash Jude: I wasn't playing you. I wasn't toying around. I would have thought my trips were proof of that. Apparently, they weren't. Not for you. 

Then she says she was "cheering at my stupid jokes and personal lies." - Well, Jude, what about your stupid jokes and personal lies? And, while we're on the subject, what lies? My real name? I told you right from start. The pic? I told you about that when you turned 18. (To say I didn't would be more personal lies from you.) "With thousands of girls between the lines. Thank God I never trusted you. Thank God I wasn't the one to fall."

Thousands of girls Jude? Really? You're implying that I cheated on you? Well what about him? Can you explain that to me? (Remember Dan? Or did you make him up?) It would appear I was the one who should have never trusted you. But I guess in your world, it is better that I took the fall than you. When it came to cheating, you beat me to the punch because you were afraid that I would do it. News flash #2: Just because you think it will be done to you doesn't excuse you from doing it first. Shouldn't you have waited for me to commit the crime before punishing me for it? What ever happened to "innocent until proven guilty?" - Oh wait, you're not from America, never mind.

Then she says: "Don't ever call me your sweet pea. Not ever. Not again. Get out of my life. Not a message. Not one more time."

I seem to recall that I tried that when I blocked you from emailing me. Then you turned around and manipulated my friend to allow you onto our shared blog. perhaps I should have been the one to say "get out of my life." - Wait! I did! But we saw how that went didn't we? (Please resort to the part where I mention she manipulated my friend to get onto my shared blog.)

She also says in this poem to me that: "Why two days after our goodbye you ran into some other girls arms? You said I was the one. Good thing I didn't believe you. You were never one to trust."

Well Jude, because you said you wanted to say goodbye so I went with it. I was only doing what you asked me at that time. If you didn't want to say goodbye then you shouldn't have said it. Or did I pressure you to say that too? Hey, it was your idea. After everything I did for you, that was my reward? But yeah, I did try and move on with my life. I ran to Jennifer, and you know this. If you didn't want me to run into her arms for comfort, then why did you say goodbye in the first place. You were the ONE! You just didn't want to believe it. 

But wait! I am confused here. Is this you confessing that Jennifer wasn't one of my "sock puppets"? But ... but ... that doesn't make any sense. I have a screenshot here of you saying otherwise. Take a look.

Make up your mind!

At least somebody believes that Jennifer wasn't my 'sock puppet".

Is Jennifer the girl of who's arms I ran to or is she my "sock puppet"? Because she is the only girl I ever ran to. Maybe I ran into my own arms using my ever so vivid imagination? So which is it, Jude? Did I run into Jennifer's arms or is she my "sock puppet"? 

And news flash #3: You weren't 17 when you made that comment. (Or were you and you are admitting that you lied about your age?) And you weren't 17 when we really "got together". (Or are you lying about your age?) Because last time I checked, you were 18 both times. EIGHTEEN!!!!!!!

Now I see where your bully friends get that idea. 

She wraps up this poem for me talking about suffering, our fights, and more distrust and (my favorite part) why I was so blind! - Yes, Jude, I was blind. I was blind to the real you. Not the other way around. 

She also says that my selfishness never let her shine and my jealousy always came back twice as hard. Really Jude? I was holding you back from something? Like what? Like holding you back from fulfilling your dream to be an author? (I offered to help get you published, remember?) That was how we met in the first place, but you chickened out from it like you do everything else and then blame it all on me. Or like how I was willing to hook you up with an agent so that you could pursue your "acting" ambitions? Really? I was holding you back?

And my jealousy? Need I again remind you of Dan? And that situation? Now can you see where jealousy may have poked its head out? Oh, how soon we forget.

She goes on to say that I was her big mistake. (Nice to know.) And she makes clear in this poem what I had to learn the hard way when she says: "I.Was. Never. Yours."

Yes Jude, I already somehow knew that. Hence, just one of the many reasons why I ended up blocking you from emailing me in the first place. But then I wonder, if all of this is true, why was it that I was the one who ended up blocking you first from emailing? If I was never yours to begin with, then why did you play me and toy around like I was a doll?

Oh, wait, that was your line.

She ends it with a "P.S." - But I am not even going to address it.

So you see Jude, I am glad that you got inspired by my poem to respond to it. However, as I mentioned before, that poem wasn't for you. It wasn't about you. But we now see two things: First, we see how art inspires art inspires art. (That girls line in her poem inspired my poem "The Collector" which in turn, inspired Jude's poem "The Last Note" to me.) It is good to see the artistic juices flowing.  And it's nice to know that Jude reads and gets inspired by my work. (I knew you were a fan) But what does it say about you Jude that would jump to the conclusion that I wrote that poem "The Collector" about you?

I'm not even going to say the word narcissism. Drats! I said it anyway, didn't I?

And secondly, it is good to see how Jude truly feels. And that even in her poetry, how her twisted mind works and it's one lie right after another. 

Of course, just to add one more of Jude's lies to the mix, here she is commenting that she "blocked" me from emailing. Take a look. (Pay special attention to the date she posted it on the upper right.)

Yeah Jude, you blocked me around July 21st, 2012 - after I blocked you around February 15th 2012. Then you stalked me on my shared blog, and I was forced to unblock you to write you asking for why you manipulated my friend and blog partner to get yourself on my shared blog behind my back. Then I blocked you again.

Then you blocked me!

I also notice that you failed to mention that to your bully friends, didn't you? Gee, I wonder why that is?

But me outing you and your behavior was too much for you to take, wasn't it? Maybe this explains why you did this to me to "get even". It's a screenshot of Jude posting two links that are no longer available. I wonder, are these the links that led to this mysterious "email" Jude? Take a look.

And where do these links go? Check for yourself. (Photobucket)

I guess we will never know now, will we? (Or will we?)

Or maybe it was where she posted the emails as this next screenshot has Jude offering everyone a chance to see the emails leading up to the one(s) she posted on Photo-Bucket. Proving that she did post something to get the bully gang after me. But notice also in this next screenshot how Jude contradicts herself when she says ..... "his current post already states how evil, evil, evil I am since, you know, I've been making constant blog posts telling awful things about him." - Check it out.

No Jude, I wasn't referring to your blog posts that showcase me being awful, but rather, the "email(s)" you posted telling (or showing) awful things about me that led to me getting attacked on Goodreads by your bully friends in the first place. And yes, it was an evil, evil, evil thing to do and you know it. Because you know why you did it. To get back at me for "outing" your actions of manipulating my friend to stalk me on my shared blog. Granted, two wrongs don't make a right (what you did, what I did in retaliation) but hey, neither does adding a third wrong make it right either. (Like posting any emails) And FYI, one "evil" would have sufficed.   

Maybe this is (why and) how I got banned from Goodreads. Your mysterious email posts and your bully friends collaborating false evidence against me. Or was it the work of this woman named "Amanda"? (As she at least takes full responsibility for my being banned.)

What is it with me and women named Amanda?

 Here is her profile.

But at least she has the balls to accept responsibility. Which could lead into the question as per her real gender, but I digress again.

So you see Jude, perhaps you can learn from "A-man-duh" about taking responsibility for your words and actions. I know you never will, but still, your poem for me called "The Last Note" is interesting to say the least.

The very least.

It's also good to know that Jude stalked me after I blocked her from emailing me. You see, the person who sent me this poem also informed me that they asked Jude when she wrote that poem. Her answer was "about a year ago." - This would make sense because when I was a member of Goodreads, I posted this poem up on my writing section about that time. (March 2012) Which means that she could only have gotten it from there at that time. Which also means that she was still "checking" me out. If I was such a horrible monster to her as she and her bully friends claim, then why was she still going to my GR profile and reading my writing? And why on Earth would she assume of all the poetry I was putting up did she think "The Collector" was about her? 

Of course, her "checking" me out during that time was after I blocked her from emailing me, and during this time she would become friends with my blog partner and best friend for the sole purpose to manipulate my friend into letting Jude onto our shared blog as a administrator under the guise of "helping" her with her blog design. Jude made sure that all of this would be their little secret. I wasn't even to be told they were friends. This was to ensure that I couldn't stop Jude from her diabolical plan. Then when she was busted, she tried to tell me that she could come onto my blog and help me with my design. In exchange all I had to do was let her leave a link on my blog to hers. Yeah, I know. And believe me, it killed me with laughter when she dare suggested that we could do "business" despite our "personal feelings". Really Jude? When just a few months earlier you couldn't do business with me and my books because of "personal feelings". So you broke a promise. Then you turn around and expect me to do business with you? 

Jude and her bully friends make the claim that I stalked and harassed her yet all of the evidence that has ever been presented clearly indicates that it was she who stalked me. She stalked my GR account and took it upon herself to assume I wrote a poem for her that wasn't written for her and she stalked me on my shared blog. Both of which there is proof of. She and her bully friends have never presented proof that i ever stalked her. And if you want to know of a poem I wrote for you Jude, take a look at "Master Blaster". I wrote that one for you after the second time you started talking about me in your GR group. Remember that? Don't worry Jude Henderson (Elsa Hernandez) I shall never allow the world to forget that you are the one who sent the bullies to my door. As long as they leave their shit up and attack me, I shall continue to let everyone know how it all started. Sometimes, in a war, people forget how it began and why. Not this one, Jude, you will always be mentioned at some point every month to remind everyone who and what you really are. 

I'm Carroll Bryant ... and this is the Looking Glass.

Things We Learned Today:

* Jude wrote a poem about Carroll

* Jude thinks Carroll's poem "The Collector" was written for (about) her

* Carroll's poem "The Collector" was written in 2002, long before he met Jude

* Jude did post something on "Photo-Bucket" regarding Carroll (The famous email?)

* Jude blocked Carroll from emailing her in July 2012 after Carroll blocked her in February 2012 only to unblock her to ask why she (Jude) stalked him on his shared blog in June 2012 -  then blocked her again immediately after that email exchange in June of 2012.

*Some Amanda chick (or A-Man-Duh) takes responsibility for helping to get Carroll banned from Goodreads. 

* Carroll has bad karma regarding the name Amanda

* The relationship between Carroll and Jude has more depth to it than first meets the eye